Not Eli

We met at Tavern Law - one of the bars in Seattle's recent Speakeasy trend.  Per usual, I got there early and went to the bathroom to check how frizzy my hair got on the walk and see if fussing over it would help (it didn't).  As I came out of the bathroom, I almost ran right into him.  I half yelped, half said hi.  Kind of a really excited/scared "Ha-hiii!" and then I kept going down the hallway, not 100% sure it was him, hoping to God it wasn't.  After a few minutes of praying that someone looking like Felix would come through the front door - and that other guy was just another patron - the Hi-Guy reemerged from the bathroom and we said hello for the second time.  Awesome.
Felix is cool.  He does cool things.  He is a photographer and seems to always have fun no matter what he's doing.  He's passionate and driven and not pretentious.  He started by telling me about one of his personal projects, which was awesome, and after a while, was aware enough to try to turn the conversation to me... what do you do?  Two boring minutes later I was done and we were back to photography. Then after another while, he tried again to turn the conversation back to me, but said, "You must do something, you must...you seem interesting...". 

For those who don't know, I majored in theater in College.  I acted and directed and it was who I was.  I found emotions within myself, learned the bodies of characters and married them to bring an experience to the audience, to make them laugh and cry. After College, I was lost. I tried to find ways to continue my art, but I let fear, money, and about 100 hundred things get in the way. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my job, and feel incredibly fortunate. But there is always a piece of me missing and it almost manifests itself as shame. I rarely go to see theater or other art, feeling like a traitor. I often feel as though I have to give it up completely, like it's the price I've paid.

Going into my date with Felix, I was already self-conscious about my sell-out-ness. He's a photographer!  He has a studio in Pioneer Square!  He is a man who loves art and has followed his passion!  Does he know I work for (gulp) Microsoft?  Does he know I'm a sell out?  What will he think when he finds out that I've chosen a life of stability, vacations to Hawaii, and Citizen jeans instead of being the starving artist I should be? 

So when he asked me if I do anything interesting, I thought, well shit, my brain scanning through my activities: reading?  No, not interesting.  Cooking?  Interesting to me, but no..  What if I answer that question with, "I make up funny songs with my sister", or "I cry at the part in the Little Mermaid when she says goodbye to her father", or "I really enjoy cheese"?  Unfortunately, I just said, "Not Really", and delved into a philosophical debate on art.  Sigh.

All in all, it was a perfectly fine date.  He seems to want a second date, so my frizzy hair and corporate job mustn't have scared him away.  I just didn't feel very excited about him, I didn't feel much connection, no butterflies. Most of all, I think it was his not-Eli-ness that did him in.  After my date with Eli last week, I've had a very hard time thinking about anyone else. I might need to back off my first dates with other people for a while and see where things go with Eli.