Wanted: SWF seeks 2BR, lots of light

As I left my house, I was jittery, nervous.  My stomach cart-wheeled up Capitol Hill and back down again.  Fear over hope, hope over doubt.  I felt like this one might be different, like this could be the one.  Am I ready to meet the one?  Am I ready to settle down?  So when my relator and I walked into the condo, I groaned and thought to myself, dammit, it’s as beautiful as it looked in the pictures.  
 

If only I could get butterflies for a man in the same way!  When did my body start greeting a garden patio with southwest exposure with more intensity than any man in the past year?  Has my addiction to real-estate porn replaced, well, porn? 

They are quite similar, when you think about it.  Replace profile with listing, old with outdated, income with listing price.  I start with my list of must-haves and overtime evaluate how must must I have them.  Is a one-bedroom enough?  Could I love a man who doesn’t enjoy good food?  Maybe I could learn to like home repairs?  Maybe I could learn to like Nascar? 

I think I could take a tip from my real-estate buying self.  When it comes to real estate, I am very selective, I have a very clear idea of what I want.  I only see a few listings that have real potential.  But when it comes to men, I’m like over-handled putty.  When someone doesn’t have one of the qualities I’m looking for, instead of moving onto the next profile, I think, well, maybe that’s ok, maybe I don’t really need that, I’m probably being too picky. 

I think that’s what happened with Kenny.  He and I were compatible on paper, but there were a few things that had I had been looking, I might have seen.  He didn’t go to college, he has been living in the same apartment for seven years which he himself calls a pit.  He doesn’t seem to be moving, but standing in place.  Was there something in his profile that could tell me he isn’t someone to seek out new challenges, to want to always be growing?  Do they make a check box for that?

Speaking of porn, the funniest part my date with Kenny was when we were talking about Charlie Sheen and the goddesses.  He started saying something and then stopped, getting embarrassed.  With a little prodding, he told me that he had recognized one of the goddesses when they were on an interview, but didn’t know from where, and then realized she was an adult movie star….  Talking about porn on a first date, I know they don’t make a check box for that.  J

Condo		Man
√	2 BR – Good for me now, room to grow		Have the same mid-term and long-term goals
√	Ready to move in, but also can make it better and make it mine over time		Compatible now, and committed to growing and changing together
√	Sunshine!		Laughter!
√	A piece of the outdoors		Want the same lifestyle, enjoy some of the same hobbies
√	My cat can roam		Loves my cat, loves my family
√	Great for entertaining		Likes to entertain, loves my friends
√	Great Kitchen		Loves food, can participate is this passion of mine (at least by eating and enjoying :))
√	In a walk-able location		Wants to try new things with me, adventurous
√	Parking, Washer/Dryer		Tall, Over 30

Joe Ho Hum

After a month long hiatus, I went on a date last night with Joe.  On paper, Joe and I seemed really compatible, wanting the same things, enjoying a lot of the same things, but in real life, not so much.  There was no spark, the date wasn’t even really fun.  Joe Ho Hum
 

When we were trying to figure out a place to meet, I offered to head to Fremont/Wallingford since he said he lived near there.  I suggested a few great places like Smash, Browsers, Perche No.. but instead, he suggested that we meet at Julia’s in Capitol Hill.  I wasn’t terribly excited about Julia’s, having only been to the one in Wallingford for breakfast a few times, and underwhelmed with it at that.  I thought it was a really strange choice, but went along with it anyway.  What’s weird is that he spent a lot of the night talking crud about Capitol Hill, which I understand since he hasn’t ventured beyond Broadway, but I couldn’t figure out why he suggested this location that he obviously didn’t enjoy. 

I had gotten my hair straightened earlier that day and emailed him to let him know that he wasn’t looking for a girl with curly hair.  When he arrived, he asked why it was straight and I explained.  Then he just said flatly, “I wouldn’t have recognized you”.  No – “it looks nice”, no “wow, so different!”, nothing.  Just flat.  Well, Joe, I don’t like your hair either.

There were a lot of awkward pauses, and I was filling them, but I was earnestly trying to not interview him.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t really contributing to the conversation unless I asked him questions.  That said, he’s an interesting person; he has started a consulting company, does web design, had a wine publication for a few years.   We talked about wine for a while but when I asked for recommendations he only suggested 99 or 100 point wines, he doesn’t think there are any cheaper wines that are decent.  If that’s the result of being educated and sophisticated, I’m blissful in my ten-dollar-a-bottle ignorance.

Overall, there wasn’t anything glaringly wrong, but there wasn’t anything right either.  We were both a little bored and the night ended.  The best part of the night was when we ordered fried avocados that you dip in this yummy aioli.  They were deee-licious.  I called them “Fat three ways”.  He didn’t laugh. 

Morale of the story: If you go to Julias, order the Avocado Wedges.

Ivan the Brave

The first word that sprung into my mind when I saw Ivan was “short”.  Not a good start.  I actually don’t think he’s that short, but has short little legs and is a little over-weight.  I know I’m hardly over-achieving in the height department, but we all have some things which are attractive and for me, it’s tall and skinny.  I should have trusted my instincts when I saw his pictures – I knew he wasn’t the kind of guy I am normally interested in – but his email was nice and funny so I thought I’d give it a try.

We were at the bar in Seraphina and he drank really fruity white wine.  Our conversation was fine, interesting.  He did his part in asking questions, keeping the conversation reciprocal and interesting. But it was work, it didn’t have any natural flow to it. At one point I went to the washroom and made myself think up three new questions.  They were: does he have brothers and sisters, where did he go to undergrad, and he had mentioned a guitar at some point, so I could follow up on that.  I should make a cheat sheet of good first date questions to bring with me. 

That’s not to say he wasn’t interesting.  He worked on Wall Street for 10 years; worked at Arthur Anderson through Enron and ended his career in 2008 when the industry fell apart.  He explained what the Dow Industrial Index and why it’s an important measurement for our economy – so at least I learned something new.

Perhaps the conversation took work because I was distracted by his voice.  I was mesmerized by it, trying to figure it out.  His voice was loud, and had almost an affected quality.  He sounds like a commercial announcer, a voice-over guy, like he was telling me about the President’s day sale at the local Chevy dealer or how Geiko could save me money on car insurance.  I should have asked him to tell me about his favorite product.  J

At the end, he paid for our drinks, even though I really wanted to split the check.  I always offer to pay, suggesting we split drinks, but guys rarely let me.  Especially when I know that there is no spark for me, or when I know I make more money than them, I feel more comfortable paying my share.  But he wanted to be a gentelman and insisted on paying.  And then his card got denied.  Oy.

After we tap danced through that awkwardness, we walked outside.  I always try to avoid the first date kiss – even if the date is going great – because it’s just too stinking awkward.  So I always say “Gimme a hug” and reach in to hug them.  It ends the date on a high note, and more importantly it doesn’t allow for any potential kissing.  So I say “Gimme a hug”, lean in to hug him and on the way, he kisses me on the cheek.  I’m thanking my lucky stars I got out of the first date kiss with him, when he comes in <again> for a kiss!  I was so shocked, I just stood there.  I didn’t see it coming.  There was no flirty touching during the date, nothing to even indicate he was excited about me, and then out of nowhere, BAM!, the voice-over guy kisses me.  I have to give him kudos for having cajones.  Ivan the Brave.   

Chauvinist

Yesterday in Seattle, it was pouring and windy, so when Hal suggested we grab a drink, I wanted someplace cozy - like a ski lodge, fire place and dark wood - but I couldn't think of a place like that in Seattle. So we went to Matador in Ballard and sat near their big fire pit - it was close. Readers, any ideas for cozy bars or restaurants in Seattle?

Hal had reached out to me, saying I didn't seem cookie cutter like most of the women on Match. He seemed interesting, balanced, creative. He is 36 and tall, dark hair and thin, so pretty much up my alley. That said, he wasn't smiling in any of his pictures and didn't make any attempt toward humor. He looked serious, and he was.

We started by swapping online dating horror stories. He asked me how long I've been on match, how he measured up to his profile, and he told me that I look better in person than in my profile. Makes me wonder about my pictures, but I'm relieved at least the inverse isn't true. We talked about our jobs, our families. It was a good conversation, easy and fun. He has an interesting background, is creative and smart.

At one point I was telling a story where a friend of mine cried - a man. Hal was incredulous, calling him weak, a sissy, a woman. I tried to appeal to his empathy, help him understand the context, but he was unmovable. He told me that if he ever cried, I should punch him in the gut and kept repeating that this guy must be a woman or gay or something. I finally had to just say - OK, let's stop talking about this, and change the subject.

I was pretty shocked by his reaction to this, his refusal to feel any empathy or understand that different people feel things differently. I was also pretty offended by the way he called this guy a "woman" over and over again, hurling the word like an insult. Later, when I was taking a break in the ladies room, I looked myself in the mirror and said, 'chauvenist'.

Despite this brief blip on the screen of our date, I was having a nice time. After finishing our food at Matador, we went to another bar - we tried Hazelwood and the back bar at Bastille, but both were packed, so we ended up at the bar at Moshi Moshi - a great sushi restaurant which also has great cocktails. This is where things got serious.

Hal is one of those people that likes to talk about things as they occur - he was analysing our date - and me - throughout. Once we got to Moshi Moshi, he was on his fourth drink and we'd gotten through the job/family/hobbies content, he started digging in, asking me all sorts of questions and making broad statements about my character. He'd say things like "You're shy", or "You've never had a man really sweep you off your feet", or "You've never loved someone enough to have their child". At first, I was interested in these questions - am I shy? But after a while, I started to feel like I had to defend myself when he started making sweeping assumptions. Finally, we were arguing about how I felt about one of my past boyfriends - he was telling me that I still loved him and after a while of trying to justify myself, I told him he was being presumptuous, that I know how I feel, and I don't appreciate being told how I feel. That kind of took the air out of the date.

And then it got worse. I was feeling pretty testy after that, he was deep in analysis, and was telling me that a woman knows she loves a man when she wants to have his son. When she wants to create another one of him. Now, I don't get my panties in a bunch about too much and don't often consider myself a feminist, but after calling my friend a "woman" for crying, after making broad assumptions about me, I couldn't contain myself. I'm not proud of it, but I fought him on this point. I tried to rephrase it - you mean, you love someone so much that you want to start a family - that's what you mean? But no, he felt that a woman didn't love really a man unless she wanted to have his son. I suggested that not everyone wants to have children, don't those people love? Not in his opinion. It's funny, because we both really want to have children, I tried to emphasize that I am looking for a partner, an equal, and I feel children should be a product of that union. I told him that the feminist in me was offended and he reacted by saying there is nothing more feminine than a woman having her husband's son. I think he missed my point...

At this point, he was sulking over his cocktail, not smiling, not really wanting to talk to me anymore, the tab came, we left.

I've never gotten in flat out arguments on a first date before! That was new and I'm sure we added to his stash of horror date stories to tell. I actually like talking about love, past relationships and I liked that Hal was interested to talk about those things. But I think he needs someone who doesn't have strong opinions themselves and can therefore agree with his ideas and opinions. I need someone who is more open minded and someone who views women as equals.

Ironic Karma or Karmic Irony?

Today, I received the same email from Eli that I sent to Gabe last week – ‘You’re great <blah blah blah>, but I’m not feeling it.’  He could have just hit forward on my mail to Gabe – it was so much the same.  Aint life a bitch?  I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry. 

And although it sucks, I was not too surprised.  Though our first date was great, plenty of chemistry, all the right puzzle pieces, the following two dates didn’t evolve, we didn’t just relax into fun and flirty.  For some reason, it never stopped feeling like a first date.  On top of that, the chemistry that I thought was there, was not.  I was planning on giving it one or two more dates, to see if we could evolve, especially since there was so much else that was great about him, but I’m glad I don’t have to spend my time and energy there if the end result is the same. 

I admit, I enjoyed a brief dalliance into self-pity for exactly two tears.  I fell instantly into the familiar, “what’s wrong with me”, “when will it be my turn”, “I just want to get f’ing married”.  And then it was over.  So I’m going to go out and have the number of stiff drinks equaling total tears shed and then it’s back to the blog.

Gabe and then some

I have had quite a week.  Last Friday, I went on a date with a new guy named Gabe.  We had a great date, talking and laughing easily, admittedly with the assistance of some wine.  We started at Bleu, followed by a stop at the Living Room and ended the night at Knee High Stocking Company.  All very cool bars.  I hadn’t been to the Living Room before, but would recommend it – the bartender was giving us tastes of different kinds of whiskey – all of which tasted like whiskey to me, but that’s my problem. J  Gabe has some great qualities, he is open hearted, smart, and easy to laugh.  He was also very excited about me.  After we said goodbye, he called to invite me out the next evening, and to football on Sunday, and away with him to a festival in Port Angeles the following weekend.  Whoa. 

After the date, I was conflicted, torn between Eli and Gabe.  The next day, I was scheduled to have my second date with Eli.  Though my date with Gabe went great, I didn’t feel the same connection that I did with Eli.  The purpose of 52 Dates (or as many as it takes) is to meet lots of people, to be held accountable to not just meeting one person and falling indiscriminatingly into a relationship, but to have options – so my predicament was supposed to be a good one.  Options are good, but they also mean having to make a decision, which isn’t a strength in my personal life. 

After my second date with Eli, I felt that there was more long term potential with Eli than with Gabe.  Gabe is the kind of guy I would have gotten into a relationship with two years ago – he’s fun, a free-spirit, creative, and he likes me.  That last part would have been the clincher for the old me.  I have dated so many people just because they like me, rarely pausing to think about whether I like them back.  I would see myself reflected back and safe, secure in their feelings about me. They can’t hurt me if they like me that much.  But after a while, I wouldn’t be happy, and things would take the normal course from there. 

But Gabe is also extremely sweet.  He’s really smart, loves to cook, he’s creative.  Maybe I hadn’t been fair to him, just writing him off so quickly, what if Gabe was the one for me, and I was reducing my options too quickly?  So I agreed to a second date with Gabe.  It was another great date, it was easy to be with him, plenty of laughing, but I just didn’t feel anything.

And it’s more than just a feeling, I’m concerned about stage of life too.  Gabe is still searching for himself.  He’s in a Masters program for film, he’s going to get a Masters in Education, he just moved here from Chicago last April – I suspect escaping from a failed relationship and lack of direction.  He’s still trying to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up. I am grown up.  This is who I am.  I don’t want to be with someone through that journey.  If Eli weren’t in the picture, we may have had fun for a while, but I don’t think I can fall in love with him. 

Finally, I felt completely suffocated by him.  Gabe called me or texted me every day.  He would text me 3 or 4 times during the work day – I would reply to none.  He would text me again asking if I got the previous text.  He asked to become friends on facebook and would “like” every post or link.  I had to go “offline” so he couldn’t chat me incessantly.  This, added to fact that I was basically dating two men for a week, made me feel really overwhelmed.  I was grateful that I’d never told him where I lived.  I don’t think he is dangerous, but I’m really glad I don’t have to wonder. 

A moment about safety.  There is inherent danger in dating strange men.  There are potential stalkers on dating sites, and worse.  For first dates, I always meet the men at the restaurant, never letting them pick me up or drive me home – they should never know my home address.  I always reference a grocery store a few blocks away when they ask where I live.  I don’t get into cars, I don’t go to their house, I stay in public.  For these first dates, I’ve also been texting my sister when I leave for the date, with all the details, and again when I’m coming home so she can call the police in case she doesn’t hear from me, or can’t get ahold of me.  I think of it like hiking, never go hiking without telling someone where you are.  J

This has helped me learn a few things.  I learned that I’m a pure monogamist at heart.  This whole dating-two-guys-at-once-thing seemed fun to my friends, but for me was just really stressful.  I really enjoy getting to know one person, to dive in deep, to get to know the little things about them. That said, I'm not sure I would have thought so critically about Gabe if I wasn't able to compare him with Eli.  To have choices, to be able to compare two great people helped me see what is important, what I can feel for someone, and to make sure I’m not lowering my expectations. 

And if you’re single, this should tell you that there are wonderful, mature, smart, and cute people on dating dates.  Get out there, and be safe!

Not Eli

We met at Tavern Law - one of the bars in Seattle's recent Speakeasy trend.  Per usual, I got there early and went to the bathroom to check how frizzy my hair got on the walk and see if fussing over it would help (it didn't).  As I came out of the bathroom, I almost ran right into him.  I half yelped, half said hi.  Kind of a really excited/scared "Ha-hiii!" and then I kept going down the hallway, not 100% sure it was him, hoping to God it wasn't.  After a few minutes of praying that someone looking like Felix would come through the front door - and that other guy was just another patron - the Hi-Guy reemerged from the bathroom and we said hello for the second time.  Awesome.
Felix is cool.  He does cool things.  He is a photographer and seems to always have fun no matter what he's doing.  He's passionate and driven and not pretentious.  He started by telling me about one of his personal projects, which was awesome, and after a while, was aware enough to try to turn the conversation to me... what do you do?  Two boring minutes later I was done and we were back to photography. Then after another while, he tried again to turn the conversation back to me, but said, "You must do something, you must...you seem interesting...". 

For those who don't know, I majored in theater in College.  I acted and directed and it was who I was.  I found emotions within myself, learned the bodies of characters and married them to bring an experience to the audience, to make them laugh and cry. After College, I was lost. I tried to find ways to continue my art, but I let fear, money, and about 100 hundred things get in the way. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my job, and feel incredibly fortunate. But there is always a piece of me missing and it almost manifests itself as shame. I rarely go to see theater or other art, feeling like a traitor. I often feel as though I have to give it up completely, like it's the price I've paid.

Going into my date with Felix, I was already self-conscious about my sell-out-ness. He's a photographer!  He has a studio in Pioneer Square!  He is a man who loves art and has followed his passion!  Does he know I work for (gulp) Microsoft?  Does he know I'm a sell out?  What will he think when he finds out that I've chosen a life of stability, vacations to Hawaii, and Citizen jeans instead of being the starving artist I should be? 

So when he asked me if I do anything interesting, I thought, well shit, my brain scanning through my activities: reading?  No, not interesting.  Cooking?  Interesting to me, but no..  What if I answer that question with, "I make up funny songs with my sister", or "I cry at the part in the Little Mermaid when she says goodbye to her father", or "I really enjoy cheese"?  Unfortunately, I just said, "Not Really", and delved into a philosophical debate on art.  Sigh.

All in all, it was a perfectly fine date.  He seems to want a second date, so my frizzy hair and corporate job mustn't have scared him away.  I just didn't feel very excited about him, I didn't feel much connection, no butterflies. Most of all, I think it was his not-Eli-ness that did him in.  After my date with Eli last week, I've had a very hard time thinking about anyone else. I might need to back off my first dates with other people for a while and see where things go with Eli.