I have had quite a week. Last Friday, I went on a date with a new guy named Gabe. We had a great date, talking and laughing easily, admittedly with the assistance of some wine. We started at Bleu, followed by a stop at the Living Room and ended the night at Knee High Stocking Company. All very cool bars. I hadn’t been to the Living Room before, but would recommend it – the bartender was giving us tastes of different kinds of whiskey – all of which tasted like whiskey to me, but that’s my problem. J Gabe has some great qualities, he is open hearted, smart, and easy to laugh. He was also very excited about me. After we said goodbye, he called to invite me out the next evening, and to football on Sunday, and away with him to a festival in Port Angeles the following weekend. Whoa.
After the date, I was conflicted, torn between Eli and Gabe. The next day, I was scheduled to have my second date with Eli. Though my date with Gabe went great, I didn’t feel the same connection that I did with Eli. The purpose of 52 Dates (or as many as it takes) is to meet lots of people, to be held accountable to not just meeting one person and falling indiscriminatingly into a relationship, but to have options – so my predicament was supposed to be a good one. Options are good, but they also mean having to make a decision, which isn’t a strength in my personal life.
After my second date with Eli, I felt that there was more long term potential with Eli than with Gabe. Gabe is the kind of guy I would have gotten into a relationship with two years ago – he’s fun, a free-spirit, creative, and he likes me. That last part would have been the clincher for the old me. I have dated so many people just because they like me, rarely pausing to think about whether I like them back. I would see myself reflected back and safe, secure in their feelings about me. They can’t hurt me if they like me that much. But after a while, I wouldn’t be happy, and things would take the normal course from there.
But Gabe is also extremely sweet. He’s really smart, loves to cook, he’s creative. Maybe I hadn’t been fair to him, just writing him off so quickly, what if Gabe was the one for me, and I was reducing my options too quickly? So I agreed to a second date with Gabe. It was another great date, it was easy to be with him, plenty of laughing, but I just didn’t feel anything.
And it’s more than just a feeling, I’m concerned about stage of life too. Gabe is still searching for himself. He’s in a Masters program for film, he’s going to get a Masters in Education, he just moved here from Chicago last April – I suspect escaping from a failed relationship and lack of direction. He’s still trying to figure out who he wants to be when he grows up. I am grown up. This is who I am. I don’t want to be with someone through that journey. If Eli weren’t in the picture, we may have had fun for a while, but I don’t think I can fall in love with him.
Finally, I felt completely suffocated by him. Gabe called me or texted me every day. He would text me 3 or 4 times during the work day – I would reply to none. He would text me again asking if I got the previous text. He asked to become friends on facebook and would “like” every post or link. I had to go “offline” so he couldn’t chat me incessantly. This, added to fact that I was basically dating two men for a week, made me feel really overwhelmed. I was grateful that I’d never told him where I lived. I don’t think he is dangerous, but I’m really glad I don’t have to wonder.
A moment about safety. There is inherent danger in dating strange men. There are potential stalkers on dating sites, and worse. For first dates, I always meet the men at the restaurant, never letting them pick me up or drive me home – they should never know my home address. I always reference a grocery store a few blocks away when they ask where I live. I don’t get into cars, I don’t go to their house, I stay in public. For these first dates, I’ve also been texting my sister when I leave for the date, with all the details, and again when I’m coming home so she can call the police in case she doesn’t hear from me, or can’t get ahold of me. I think of it like hiking, never go hiking without telling someone where you are. J
This has helped me learn a few things. I learned that I’m a pure monogamist at heart. This whole dating-two-guys-at-once-thing seemed fun to my friends, but for me was just really stressful. I really enjoy getting to know one person, to dive in deep, to get to know the little things about them. That said, I'm not sure I would have thought so critically about Gabe if I wasn't able to compare him with Eli. To have choices, to be able to compare two great people helped me see what is important, what I can feel for someone, and to make sure I’m not lowering my expectations.
And if you’re single, this should tell you that there are wonderful, mature, smart, and cute people on dating dates. Get out there, and be safe!
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