Chauvinist

Yesterday in Seattle, it was pouring and windy, so when Hal suggested we grab a drink, I wanted someplace cozy - like a ski lodge, fire place and dark wood - but I couldn't think of a place like that in Seattle. So we went to Matador in Ballard and sat near their big fire pit - it was close. Readers, any ideas for cozy bars or restaurants in Seattle?

Hal had reached out to me, saying I didn't seem cookie cutter like most of the women on Match. He seemed interesting, balanced, creative. He is 36 and tall, dark hair and thin, so pretty much up my alley. That said, he wasn't smiling in any of his pictures and didn't make any attempt toward humor. He looked serious, and he was.

We started by swapping online dating horror stories. He asked me how long I've been on match, how he measured up to his profile, and he told me that I look better in person than in my profile. Makes me wonder about my pictures, but I'm relieved at least the inverse isn't true. We talked about our jobs, our families. It was a good conversation, easy and fun. He has an interesting background, is creative and smart.

At one point I was telling a story where a friend of mine cried - a man. Hal was incredulous, calling him weak, a sissy, a woman. I tried to appeal to his empathy, help him understand the context, but he was unmovable. He told me that if he ever cried, I should punch him in the gut and kept repeating that this guy must be a woman or gay or something. I finally had to just say - OK, let's stop talking about this, and change the subject.

I was pretty shocked by his reaction to this, his refusal to feel any empathy or understand that different people feel things differently. I was also pretty offended by the way he called this guy a "woman" over and over again, hurling the word like an insult. Later, when I was taking a break in the ladies room, I looked myself in the mirror and said, 'chauvenist'.

Despite this brief blip on the screen of our date, I was having a nice time. After finishing our food at Matador, we went to another bar - we tried Hazelwood and the back bar at Bastille, but both were packed, so we ended up at the bar at Moshi Moshi - a great sushi restaurant which also has great cocktails. This is where things got serious.

Hal is one of those people that likes to talk about things as they occur - he was analysing our date - and me - throughout. Once we got to Moshi Moshi, he was on his fourth drink and we'd gotten through the job/family/hobbies content, he started digging in, asking me all sorts of questions and making broad statements about my character. He'd say things like "You're shy", or "You've never had a man really sweep you off your feet", or "You've never loved someone enough to have their child". At first, I was interested in these questions - am I shy? But after a while, I started to feel like I had to defend myself when he started making sweeping assumptions. Finally, we were arguing about how I felt about one of my past boyfriends - he was telling me that I still loved him and after a while of trying to justify myself, I told him he was being presumptuous, that I know how I feel, and I don't appreciate being told how I feel. That kind of took the air out of the date.

And then it got worse. I was feeling pretty testy after that, he was deep in analysis, and was telling me that a woman knows she loves a man when she wants to have his son. When she wants to create another one of him. Now, I don't get my panties in a bunch about too much and don't often consider myself a feminist, but after calling my friend a "woman" for crying, after making broad assumptions about me, I couldn't contain myself. I'm not proud of it, but I fought him on this point. I tried to rephrase it - you mean, you love someone so much that you want to start a family - that's what you mean? But no, he felt that a woman didn't love really a man unless she wanted to have his son. I suggested that not everyone wants to have children, don't those people love? Not in his opinion. It's funny, because we both really want to have children, I tried to emphasize that I am looking for a partner, an equal, and I feel children should be a product of that union. I told him that the feminist in me was offended and he reacted by saying there is nothing more feminine than a woman having her husband's son. I think he missed my point...

At this point, he was sulking over his cocktail, not smiling, not really wanting to talk to me anymore, the tab came, we left.

I've never gotten in flat out arguments on a first date before! That was new and I'm sure we added to his stash of horror date stories to tell. I actually like talking about love, past relationships and I liked that Hal was interested to talk about those things. But I think he needs someone who doesn't have strong opinions themselves and can therefore agree with his ideas and opinions. I need someone who is more open minded and someone who views women as equals.